12 Weeks to a Book Deal -- WEEK FIVE

People keep asking me if I've gotten my book deal yet, and I do my best to sum things up into the shortest possible answer to that question, which I will repeat here: "No."
But I haven't given up hope yet, and neither should you. This week, I have elected to appeal to publisher's more refined sensibilities, namely, the contents of their wallets.

From my frequent trips to Barnes and Noble, what I can gather is that books about SEX, POLITICS, and WEIGHTLOSS seem to be in never ending supply, which leads one to believe that they are also in endless demand. So, since no one really seems to care what I have to say about sex or politics, I'm going to go the weight loss route, unleashing my many-karats-of-brilliance gem of an idea, known colloquially as THE BEAR CAN DIET.

Your first question is probably going to be, does this have anything to do with a bear's ass? The answer is no. A bear can (pictured above) is a contraption that backpackers such as myself use in the wilderness for food storage. Everything with a scent (all food and toiletries) must go into this lockable bearproof can while in any backcountry area that bears call home. I got the idea for the diet because every time I go on a backpacking trip, I come back feeling on-so-slender. True, I'm also hiking many miles at altitude, but the diet is definitely part of it... So, on to how the whole thing works:

The dieter puts everything they're going to eat for the entire week. A bear can is supposed to hold six days worth of food for one person, so it's possible to pull this off. But packing right is the tricky part-- as well as the key to the diet.

For example, a dozen donuts would probably take up the entire bear can. But you could fit a TON of celerty sticks in there. Not to mention, dried oatmeal (which can be cooked with water-- water is allowed), wh0le grain tortillas, almonds and jerky. Okay, fine, the possibilities aren't endless per se, but there are a lot of options. You just have to get creative. Which is fun, right? RIGHT, I said?

The other great thing about the bear can diet is that you can't spontaneously select a snack from the cupboard, fridge, or your favourite restaurant menu. It's all planned in advance, thus, you have to learn to parcel things out. Moreover, there is very little room for beer in the bear can. After a couple weeks on the diet, participants will have completed an invaluable crash course in how to budget their calories.

Heck, after two weeks on the bear can diet (a refill is permitted after the first week, of course), there's practically nothing on this earth you won't be able to accomplish. Except maybe escaping the clutches of a grizzly bear...

With all of that in mind, until next time I remain, faithfully,

Buckwheat