12 Weeks to a Book Deal -- WEEK FIVE

People keep asking me if I've gotten my book deal yet, and I do my best to sum things up into the shortest possible answer to that question, which I will repeat here: "No."
But I haven't given up hope yet, and neither should you. This week, I have elected to appeal to publisher's more refined sensibilities, namely, the contents of their wallets.

From my frequent trips to Barnes and Noble, what I can gather is that books about SEX, POLITICS, and WEIGHTLOSS seem to be in never ending supply, which leads one to believe that they are also in endless demand. So, since no one really seems to care what I have to say about sex or politics, I'm going to go the weight loss route, unleashing my many-karats-of-brilliance gem of an idea, known colloquially as THE BEAR CAN DIET.

Your first question is probably going to be, does this have anything to do with a bear's ass? The answer is no. A bear can (pictured above) is a contraption that backpackers such as myself use in the wilderness for food storage. Everything with a scent (all food and toiletries) must go into this lockable bearproof can while in any backcountry area that bears call home. I got the idea for the diet because every time I go on a backpacking trip, I come back feeling on-so-slender. True, I'm also hiking many miles at altitude, but the diet is definitely part of it... So, on to how the whole thing works:

The dieter puts everything they're going to eat for the entire week. A bear can is supposed to hold six days worth of food for one person, so it's possible to pull this off. But packing right is the tricky part-- as well as the key to the diet.

For example, a dozen donuts would probably take up the entire bear can. But you could fit a TON of celerty sticks in there. Not to mention, dried oatmeal (which can be cooked with water-- water is allowed), wh0le grain tortillas, almonds and jerky. Okay, fine, the possibilities aren't endless per se, but there are a lot of options. You just have to get creative. Which is fun, right? RIGHT, I said?

The other great thing about the bear can diet is that you can't spontaneously select a snack from the cupboard, fridge, or your favourite restaurant menu. It's all planned in advance, thus, you have to learn to parcel things out. Moreover, there is very little room for beer in the bear can. After a couple weeks on the diet, participants will have completed an invaluable crash course in how to budget their calories.

Heck, after two weeks on the bear can diet (a refill is permitted after the first week, of course), there's practically nothing on this earth you won't be able to accomplish. Except maybe escaping the clutches of a grizzly bear...

With all of that in mind, until next time I remain, faithfully,

Buckwheat

12 Weeks to a Book Deal -- WEEK FOUR

I have always been something of an optimist -- but in a pessimistic way. As tempting as it is to just write off the future of the world and everyone in it, it seems almost impossible to take this approach and still maintain some semblance of a good mood. So, though I'm no Polyanna, I think, in the end, my hope does ultimately spring eternal. All of which is fodder for this week's book proposal:

"Blessings in Disguise: The Upsides of E. Coli, Inflated Gas Prices and the Housing Slump" is a book about how the flushing down the toilet of most everything that was once great about this country is actually something to celebrate -- in the long run. Problem is, most American's don't think in terms of "the long run," which may seem like a whole other story, but it's actually part of the same story. But we won't go there at the moment.

Just in case you're still with me, the book is about all the good things that will eventually come from all the crises we face right now. E. coli/Contaminated Food = paying more attention to what we are actually eating and where it comes from. High Gas Prices = paying more attention to the process behind the fuel by which most of us locomote, and thinking about alternative solutions. Case in point: Gas prices have dropped about a dollar over the past month, ostensibly because demand was down because people were collectively driving millions, even billions of miles fewer than before. The Housing Slump = examining our grossly overconsumptive ways, looking ourselves square in the mirror and asking, "do i really need a 3,o00 square foot house for four people, and why is that the American dream, and why is that my dream?

In an edemame shell, the book is about the reexamining of priorities that has been spawned -- and will continue to be -- by the absolute craphole that our nation is in right now, and the future renaissance of conscientious, connected, culturally-aware, educated, under-consumptive Americanism we are destined to experience. In other words, the book is about how to look on the bright side when it comes to seemingly insurmountable global, geopolitical, environmental, economic, and health issues. We can all dream can't we? Not only that, we all should.

Have a nice day!

TWELVE WEEKS TO A BOOK DEAL -- WEEK THREE

Okay, so when I said "84 little days," to finding a publisher, I might have been off by just a bit. Yes, I'm on a quest to get a book deal in 12 weeks. However, I never said there wasn't room for a baked-in hiatus, which I basically availed myself of for the entire month of August.

In my defense, I like to think that my time-off was entirely justified, as I was off doing something that will, in practice, contribute very nicely to this blog. See how I spend my hard-earned time, money, and unpaid vacation days serving others? It's really quite remarkable, is it not? My altruism knows no bounds...

Where did I spend this selfless, blog-serving time off, you ask? 'Twas a little town in the Guatemalan highlands called San Pedro La Laguna. A charming little pueblo on the inactively volcanic Lake Atitlan. I was there for a Spanish language immersion program, and part of my experience included a homestay with a local family. (See my bedroom, above). Which brings me to my third book deal idea in-waiting: (Insert drum roll here) "How To Survive A Homestay: Tales From the Trenches."

The book will be a collection of topic-themed stories about -- and practical advice from -- people who have experienced homestays abroad. Topics might range from: "What to do when your host hits on you," to "How to cope with cold water showers for a year," to "How to share a bathroom with seven people when you have giardia," and everything in between. The anecdotes will at once be tragic and hilarious. But the advice itself will be sound and useful.

Here's what people are saying so far:

"People who seek sound counsel but don't absolutely loathe laughter will simply adore this slender -- yet indispensible -- volume."
-- My Mom

"Anything that will pay down Ms. Kelly's unending debt is good by us."
-- Chase Visa

"We couldn't have said it better ourselves."
-- Swedish Bikini Team

As you can see, the buzz has been amazing, and I expect to be fielding multiple offers shortly. Until then, I still seem to remain,

Buckwheat

TWELVE WEEKS TO A BOOK DEAL -- WEEK TWO

Idea #2:
For those of you who are too young to know (and I'm one of you), the shot above is of the explosion of the Hindenburg air ship, which occurred in Lakehurst, NJ, on May 6, 1937. But what does this have to do with a book deal you ask? Well, good question. Now shut up, I'm getting there.
Okay, so, in 2002 I moved from New York to LA to begin my oh-so-illustrious career as a television comedy writer. I'm so successful you haven't even heard of me. That's how successful I am. I'm in the witness protection program for overly-famous sitcom writers.

But anyway, back to reality... And my rockin' idea. My second job on a TV show -- back in 2002 -- was as a writers' assistant on My Big Fat Greek Life, based on the inexplicably successful movie of almost the same name. The show was a complete and utter trainwreck, but I had already endured a possibly more harrowing first job on another show -- a story I will save for the book. Random? House? Anyone?

So, based on all the high drama that was going on behind the scenes on these (ironically) comedies, my co-writers' assistant and I, who had worked on the aforementioned other insane show with me, came up with the idea that I should write a book entitled, (are you ready Harper Collins?) "Window Seat on the Hindenburg: My First Year in Television." Well, it's now almost six years later, but I am finally getting off my keester to shout my explosive (no pun intended) idea out to the world and get a huge -- or moderate -- advance, so I can write it and sell a million -- or 34,000 -- copies. So, Simon says, tell Schuster all about it. (My unfortunate attempt at subliminal messaging).

Until next week, I remain:

Moderately Published

12 Weeks to a Book Deal -- Week One

Hello Friends, and welcome to my new blog, 12 Weeks to a Book Deal. In this blog, I'm going to lay it all on the line, by coming up with a new book idea each week for 12 weeks, and defying any publisher to have the cajones NOT to publish at least one of them. Of course, the inherent risk is that someone might steal one of these ideas from me, but consider this blog a public form of copyright and please come up with your own semi-brilliant concepts on your own time. And now, onto the business at hand:

IDEA #1: The first book idea in 12 Weeks to a Book Deal is entitled "Green Without Envy," and is a how-to guide to living a greener life style while still being able to keep up with the Jones.' You don't have to give up many of your comforts or your lifestyle to go greener. You simply have to shift your philosophy a bit, and increase your awareness about how and what you consume.

The book would have a casual yet philosophical tone, (garnished with plenty of biting wit), with topics such as:

-how to shop at Goodwill and still look like you spent the afternoon on Robertson spending spree.

-how to drive a more fuel efficient car without wishing you were in a Beemer SUV.

-how to put your consumption level in perspective and get a handle on how much you really have, allowing you to appreciate rather than covet.


Any takers? Do I hear Random House?? Houghton Mifflin?? Let's not all speak at once!!!

Until next week, I remain,

Buckwheat